Captain Jamil Hussein Blog

I am once again free.

At about four o'clock this morning, the latest round of scantily clad CIA interrogators showed up with a container of viagra, a Twister game board and two Rick James CDs. I politely declined, because after about 36 hours of interrogation even that kind of non-stop partying can seem like torture.

My captors awoke me at about 11 and told me that I should shower because there would be a line-up at noon! At the line-up, two other men plus myself were standing behind a curtain, and when the curtain was raised each of us was asked to say "My name is Jamil Hussein." I saw my AP contact, Quais Abdul Raazzaq, seated with some other people, and he quickly pointed to one of the other two men standing beside me.

Before I could say anything, Interior Ministry agents came up, grabbed the other man and rushed him through an exterior door. Watching through a window, I witnessed the two agents put on clown masks and then beat the man to death with Nerf bats. It was not a quick or easy death. Then I was freed.

As I left, I saw Raazzaq standing on the steps, smoking a cigarette. I approached him and asked, "Why did you identify the other man and not me?"

He squinted at me and said, "Oh, crap."

i hv bn arrstd but hid blckbrry in anal cavity 2 entr blog posts

us govt tkn custdy, forcing me 2 play strip poker + drnkng games with female intrrg8rs, look @ naked women pics

notify amnesty int'l 2 stay hell away frm me best time i ever had

will blog again when able

I am very interested in developing new relationships with media representatives in Baghdad. I would especially be interested in on-air opportunities with Western broadcast media. I have fluency in English and can also converse in German.

As an Iraqi police captain I see many, many bad things. Just this morning I saw a Sadr City street brawl erupt into gunfire over a discussion about whether Cheetos Lip Balm is haram. Yesterday I witnessed a dog having sex with a sheep. Truly Iraq is descending into madness. I have many compelling stories to tell.

Please contact me through this website.

Westerners often argue about the causes of sectarian violence in Iraq. Is it Shia vs. Sunni? Is it all sponsored by those cocksuckers in Iran? Is it about the oil?

Craig Newmark: The new butcher of BaghdadNo! None of these things is the reason. The reason, I am sad to tell you, is because Iraq has no Craigslist. Lebanon has Craigslist. Egypt has Craigslist. Even those swine in Pakistan have Craigslist! Pakistan!

What do Pakistanis need Craigslist for? Most of them have no teeth! They are like Indians who forgot how to cook! What good is Pakistan Missed Connections when all the women are wearing the same outfit and have the same color eyes? It makes no sense!

I would rather have genital herpes and no fingers to scratch in Iraq than to own six wives and a 1000 head of goats in Pakistan.

So the next time you hear some idiot talking about violence in Iraq, you'll know who to blame. It is Craig Newmark, sipper of weak American coffee in vegan coffee shops in San Francisco who is responsible. It would be less offensive to be anally penetrated by Moqtada Al-Sadr than to shake the hand of this dog Newmark.

I beg of you to contact your congressmen and ask them to force Craigslist to expand to Iraq.

Popular American TV Program "Car 54 Where Are You?": American public loves TV programs about missing police officersThese AP people have discarded me. They quoted me in 61 articles, but now I feel about as welcome as a keffiyeh at a Bar Mitzvah.

My friend Lt. Maithem Abdul Razzaq was simply despondent, because he, too, has been dropped by the AP. Yet my words and inspiration have cheered him. Yes, of course I have a plan!

Razzaq, Ali and I are shopping around a new television program based on the classic American TV program "Car 54, Where Are You?" The working title is "Iraqi Police Heroes, Where Are You?" I predict great success, especially on the merchandising side. (Ali wanted it to be "Iraqi Police Martyrs" but I explained to him that it might present some demographics problems.)

Update: A reader also suggests an up-to-date version of "Land of the Lost", but with the three of us. "Jamil, Maithem and Ali, on a routine expedition, met the greatest earthquake ever known..."

Update 2: The "Land of the Lost" thing is a non-starter for Razzaq. He says that dinosaurs are a Zionist fabrication.

OK, the truth is I made up the thing with the burned bodies. Big deal! Have you never made anything up? After Bilal Hussein got arrested, the AP stringers moved down a few names in the Baghdad phone book and started calling me for stories. So I said, "Hey, dude, I don't know anything."

But these AP guys protested and said "Your last name is Hussein! You have to know something!"

I told them that half the people in Iraq are named Hussein but they didn't believe me. So then they had this girl call and she sounded hot, so we started doing a phone sex thing. She'd say something like, "I want to brush your fanny with the hem of my very modest garments," and then I would reply with, "I saw six burning corpses outside a mosque today, you dirty bitch!"

So you can see how something like that can get started.

Jamil Hussein: Hello America! Have a nice day!I am aware there has been much speculation in America and in other places about my existence. While my friends at the Associated Press have investigated thoroughly and assured everyone that I am a police captain in Baghdad, since the AP has not actually disclosed any information about me or who spoke to me, some people are naturally skeptical.

So in the interests of full disclosure I am sharing the photo of me which was taken last year in a part of Baghdad where there are lots of Arabs and Arab-looking architecture. (Any resemblance to Epcot's Morocco Pavillion is coincidental.)

This photo was taken by my likable-yet-bumbling partner Ali. I apologize for the mask but the photos Ali took of my face were obscured by his thumb.

It seems like everywhere I go in Baghdad, people are telling me that agents of Eason Jordan are looking for me. Several times I myself have been asked if I know a Captain Jamil Hussein, and I say, "No! There is no such person!" My friends think this is hilarious, but for me it is almost like Saddam is back in power and his secret police are chasing me.

My goal in this charade is to maximize the value of my story for when Hollywood buys the rights. It will be like Not Without My Daughter but with car chases and gunfights! I want Sean Penn to play me, and Chris Tucker to play my amusingly incompetent partner Ali. The Fifth Element was just on TV here the other night and I love the part where Tucker says, "You are unclean and I cast you out, giant outer space shellfish opera whore!" So funny. I also like those films he did with that Chinese man who does karate. My agent says a buddy cop movie set in Baghdad would be a hot property, but we'd probably have to film it in Vancouver, which is in a very arid part of Canada.

If Eason Jordan really wants to find me, here I am! I even blog, just like him. (What does "Iraq's Logger" mean, anyway? We are not exactly a people with a lot of trees to spare, in case Mr. Jordan didn't know.)

Update: I have just learned that Sean Penn is less than 165 centimeters tall. So now I would prefer George Clooney to play me unless he too is a midget.

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 0 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

I wish I existed in the U.S., in addition to existing in Iraq!