Jamil Hussein, Where Are You?
by Capt. Jamil Hussein
Popular American TV Program "Car 54 Where Are You?": American public loves TV programs about missing police officersThese AP people have discarded me. They quoted me in 61 articles, but now I feel about as welcome as a keffiyeh at a Bar Mitzvah.
My friend Lt. Maithem Abdul Razzaq was simply despondent, because he, too, has been dropped by the AP. Yet my words and inspiration have cheered him. Yes, of course I have a plan!
Razzaq, Ali and I are shopping around a new television program based on the classic American TV program "Car 54, Where Are You?" The working title is "Iraqi Police Heroes, Where Are You?" I predict great success, especially on the merchandising side. (Ali wanted it to be "Iraqi Police Martyrs" but I explained to him that it might present some demographics problems.)
Update: A reader also suggests an up-to-date version of "Land of the Lost", but with the three of us. "Jamil, Maithem and Ali, on a routine expedition, met the greatest earthquake ever known..."
Update 2: The "Land of the Lost" thing is a non-starter for Razzaq. He says that dinosaurs are a Zionist fabrication.
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From: Totally Hott Hollywood Agent's Blackberry
To: JHussein
Marhaba ! Keef Halek?
Am interested in making deal for new Fox tv series "Where in Iraq is Jamil?"
Think "24" meets "The Unit" meet "Where in the world is Waldo?"
Plot: The AP reports stories of murder mystery and mayhem in Iraq as told by a mysterious police capt who who appears to be in 61 places simultaneously, yet is seen by no one.
While the Left wing bloggers sit on their asses at home, Right wing Bloggers- convinced that Jamil only exists in the twisted imagination of AP staffers ---receive financing to form "The Unit", which upon landing in Iraq has 24 hours to prove Jamil doesn't exist.
Tagline Options:
"If you think you know where Jamil is, you don't know Jack!"
"Our only hope lies with one man"
I've even worked out the promo clips:
Fast cuts of a man in a black mask appearing at all 61 locations....bombs exploding...mosques under seige...
half naked belly dancers serving drinks somewhere
(you gotta show skin or it won't sell)....women covered in burkas, men covered in masks, Marines covered in blood, two people covered in bed fucking like rabbits (you gotta show sex or it won't sell) and a deep ominous urgent breathy male voiceover:
"The people are losing faith in the AP - they've proven they can lie any time any where...fear is growing....
61 stories......all disputable!!
Today the AP is under seige!!!!
*cut to AP's Kathleen Carroll looking tense " our only hope lies with one man..." as she picks up her Motarola Razr(gotta have product placement)
Cut to big white letters
" Where in Iraq is Jamil Hussein????
*Jamil voiceover*
Do you understand the difference between lying for Saddam and lying for the MSM?
Today I can lie for the MSM...MY way...MY choice"
Cut to shot of Kathleen Carroll talking into her cellphone "een aldeen omak Jamil!! If we want this war to stop...truth has to be sacrificed"
I can't pay you big feloos but you can have four episode guest star role on Showtime's "Sleeper Cell" ...
Salaam Alaki
"Have your people call my people and let's do lunch."
"Dude where's my police captain?"